Response to Cold Callers

"Oooh, I'm so glad you called. I've been stuck in this flat all on my own for days 'cos my leg hurts so much and it's so good to have someone to talk to after all, the doctor won't come out and the district nurse only stays about two minutes and the neighbours are ever so good but never stay long enough for a good long natter and I'm had such trouble with my waterworks and then there's the sciatica and did I tell you the man over the road's spying on my with his WWP aerial and even though I've knitted some bloomers and a hat out of fine silver wire to keep out the rays he's still looking into my head and putting in all sorts of dirty thoughts about the vicar I mean some of the things I've been thinking about haven't even got a name for or at least not a name I've ever heard and the vicar's such a nice man though that wife of his is dreadful it can't be right to go out wearing those sorts of clothes when you're the vicar's wife even in the summer and certainly not when it's not far of freezing and there's an east wind blowing but then that seems to be the sort of thing they do these days I blame the soaps on TV 'cos they're all run by the drug companies to make people depressed so they need more drugs to keep them happy but the government and the aliens behind it tell them to make people wear less clothes to get us ready for global warming which is all a plot by the aliens so that the world's warm enough to suit their reptile natures 'cos they're all lizards, and I don't mean lounge lizards like that George Lazenby though he wasn't as good as Roger Moore but the best Bond was Sean Canary but he's a Freemason and we all know what they're like they're hand in glove with the other aliens, the ones that are trying to stop the lizard men they look like little goldfish in fact that was what they masqueraded as for years being given away to little children at fairs so as to spread their influence across the world before making their play for world domination did you know that their bowls are that shape because it focuses waves in the ether that they use to communicate with their space ships which are all in orbit around Venus which isn't the hot sulphurous planet they're now pretending it is but more like the Perelandra all wet and fishy which is why they live there in the first place though it isn't really their home world at all and they use the National Grid to control the thoughts of anyone wearing a bicycle helmet so anyone wearing a helmet is under the control of the aliens but they don't know it all the helmet factories in the world are under the control of the fish people who make their money by collecting all the lost socks from the insides of tumble dryers and selling them at car boot sales but not washing machines that franchise is owned by the frog people who are their sworn enemies.... HELLO ARE YOU STILL THERE?"

by Skipweasel on uk.d-i-y, 2 Aug 2006